This has nothing to do with Paris, but I wanted to recommend it because I think it is an important read, and I feel like everyone should read it. As a female writer, I tell my stories from a female point of view. No offense to my male readers. I haven’t checked my Google Analytics in years so I could be wrong about my audience. This is not meant to be exclusionary. 

While I think women need to read the book, I believe men need to do better, and I hope men read this book as well. How do you combat #NotAllMen? You become that man that says maybe rape isn’t good, maybe domestic violence is actually bad, maybe women should have equal rights, and hold your friends accountable instead of being complicit in their misogyny. 

Actually first let’s back track and start with how I discovered the book. I had been talking to an English guy named Jake. I honestly don’t know how long, maybe a few weeks. It was summer, I was traveling, and I wasn’t really interested in getting to know someone. I had just broken it off with someone and I was indifferent to dating and men. But he was good looking, 6’5 (inceptioned), and his Hinge profile gave no indications he was off. Yes, we learned nothing from Ted Bundy. In addition his prompts were thoughtful, in comparison to French men who can’t be bothered. There was nothing outwardly saying “I’m a misogynist”.

Because of my previous relationship I learned about “red flags” to look out for. I’ve actually adopted an annoying habit of spotting them and cutting and running. It leaves a lot of the men I date perplexed, and unfortunately it is a lot (‘you have to kiss talk to a lot of frogs’). But I don’t just ghost, which is immature and lacking in empathy, I try to let them know why I’m ending it. 

This really is how we should act towards men. Women need to get out of the (outdated) idea that they need to help men become better. It’s not your job. 

I know I cannot exactly lecture women on how to be. Everyone has their reasons for being unwilling to let go of someone. I’m not over my ex. Sadly I still miss him, and I still love him. This is also why I don’t really care and can walk away from anyone easily.  I will not tolerate less than what I think I deserve. 

But women being happy alone really is the end for straight men. More and more women are learning they are okay alone. If I have to read one more think piece on the sadness of “lonely men” I will scream. It’s like writers are gaslighting women into staying with men who cannot accept accountability or make changes to their shitty characters. 

Statistically unmarried women thrive more than their married counterparts. Men are happy in relationships, women are not (according to research). 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Women are tiredt. 

Back to Jake Hughes. Our first conversation went well. We talked for a good 6 hours (maybe 7, however long my flight was). It was like a game of tennis, a message a minute, and to me that’s the hallmark of something to pursue. Who doesn’t love banter? 

But after our initial meeting, I became increasingly perturbed. It was little things at first. He would say things, and instead of the usual allowing them to slide, I put my foot down and called him out. 27 is too old to be that callow. But he would always turn it around on me. It didn’t even make any sense, how he always made the argument about me, but I knew this was a form of manipulation so I told him I wasn’t interested in him, and left it at that.

He became incensed. He called me a misandrist (a term only MRAs would know) and claimed I wasn’t giving him a chance, and I never did. He tried to gaslight me. At first I was like ‘maybe I hadn’t given him a chance’ and I tried once more, but he was just not a good person. The manipulation tactics and the things he would say were 🚩🚩🚩.

After I let him know there was no future, he would continue texting me, even if I didn’t answer. When I asked him to stop, he said he was just giving me what I wanted (because I like a clingy, needy texter, but the thing is I need to like the person in order to like it). 

I very maturely wrote him a nice text, which he laughed at saying people don’t text like that (as if manipulation wasn’t enough, periods and grammar are for losers). I believe I very nicely, and clearly, explained my reasoning for ceasing to speak to him. As it had only been a few weeks, I didn’t understand the aggression. You would never guess a guy like that would be a raging misogynist psycho. Again we have learned nothing from Ted Bundy. 

While Googling something pertaining to him I found “Men Who Hate Women” by English author Laura Bates. The book is a little skewed as Bates is English, and talks with an English point of view about a threat facing all Western men, but most importantly in England. However it was apropos because “Jake” was English and lived in England. I don’t know if Jake was an Incel (he wasn’t a virgin) but he did say he didn’t like English girls because they all looked like sluts so… maybe just a run of the mill misogynist. At the very least something from the manosphere. 

I went into the book thinking Incels, PUAs, MRAs, etc. were sad sack virgin losers who couldn’t get laid, but Bates says most men of the manosphere are white, educated, middle class western men. I’m not sure why this surprised me as the reason I now suffer the effects of emotional abuse and PTSD/trauma were at the hands of an Oxford educated, 6’4 white male Grammar school boy. One expects a certain level of intelligence from that set, and one would be wrong. 

Christian was (maybe still is) an avid YouTube, Insta, and Reddit user, and YouTube, Insta, and Reddit are perfect gateways to Manosphere ideologies and Incel forums. His hatred of women, and his belief in male superiority and dominance, stems from his mother so it’s easy enough to explain his viewpoint away. Hatred of your mother is pretty standard fare for an evolving hatred of women.

He was like Paul Bethany (another misogynist) in A Very British Scandal. The misogyny starts small (like when he proudly proclaimed all women are dumb bitches), but grows bigger (“you need to be fucked so you’ll stop being a bitch”). There are little things like “if my wife gave me a daughter I’d leave” (his general need for dominance by even controlling the sex of his future offspring) because he considered women weak and inferior. These ideas weave a thread to eventual misogyny and male dominance, which leads to control, which will spiral to bigger issues. 

But we love them right? So these opinions he espouses are brushed off as “he doesn’t really mean it, it’s a joke, that’s just his humor”. He doesn’t really think like that because he loves me. I love him and I know he’s not really like that. I see the side others don’t. My love is enough. With me he can express his vulnerability and be open. Blah, blah, blah. All things we tell ourselves that make it okay. 

Believe me I tried to be a safe space for Christian. I trusted him implicitly. I felt secure with him, I told him things I’ve never told other people, I wanted to be that for him too. 

The truth is I was never his equal. How could I be? I was just a ‘dumb bitch’. A woman. 

We should not let anything go unchecked, especially if it’s in regards to negative views of our own sex (women). Ever. If a guy says anything to you, always, always, always, call it out. If he can’t take accountability and learn, and in turn change, leave him. We have to be the change we want to see. 

Bates details how the indoctrination into misogyny starts. It’s not always so simple as the guy is ugly, or short (heightcels), or bald (baldcels), or any of the reasons men usually hate themselves, because at the end of the day it really is hatred for themselves. There’s even a group for men with small wrists and a ginger incel group (a totally British phenomenon). The ginger one is called gingercels. Yes, it seems absolutely bonkers, but then again so is hating someone for their hair color. The hate manifests to a point that it turns into something deeply unsettling. This can only lead to not just dire consequences for women, but to society as a whole. 

Bates went on to list one mass killing event, and then another, and then another, showing how these are (intentionally hidden) portrayed in the media. One paragraph after another paragraph and I was like “oh my god when will it stop?”. Some of them I had never even heard of (the ones in Canada and the UK), and I had no idea they were misogynistic acts of violence because the media never said so. How naïve we all are. This Manosphere movement is so pervasive, it exists everywhere and we don’t even realize it. 

I am not a violent person, I can’t think of any situation where I could hurt someone. They say everyone is capable of it, but it’s not within me. So reading all of these men killing random strangers (even other men), wives, children, even random women working out in gyms, all under the guise that “women are evil and will not give them their god given right to sex”, so they can hurt anyone they like. This insanity exists and it’s only going to get worse as more women choose to be single (which they already are). 

By far the one that left me with a pit in my stomach, and really they all did, but the chapter titled Men Who Don’t Know That They Hate Women was truly eye opening. It makes you wonder if any men in this world truly see us as human beings. And if biologically they are missing the part of the brain that can accept accountability for anything. What is wrong with men? Why do they hate us so much?

I wholeheartedly encourage everyone to read this book. Don’t let the title fool you. It’s not an indoctrination into misandry (thanks to Jake for teaching me that term). It’s not trying to get you to become a man hater. It tries to answer the question above. It exists to open your eyes to the world we inhabit. 

If anything it could stop you from meeting some of these truly vile and disgusting men, or if you’re a mother, help you understand these pervasive and sinister groups trying to reek havoc on the minds of your boys, getting them to succumb to groupthink by way of Instagram meme accounts and YouTube rabbit holes. Please stop it before it starts. This in turn saves women by stopping men from killing us, and raping us, and hating us for simply existing. 

After reading it I felt disgusted, horrified, and exhausted. I had to take breaks while reading. This is not just a fringe group on the internet. This book showed these are fast growing groups of men that walk amongst us. It’s your mailman, the security guy in your building, the dude behind you at the grocery store. They are everywhere. This is a group that thinks rape should be legal because they are “entitled” to women’s bodies. If that’s not an attack on womenkind I don’t know what is. If that doesn’t scare you I don’t know what will. 

If you can’t buy a copy, please check your local library: https://g.co/kgs/Ud3ouC




And a word from Ben Hurst who is doing his part with the Good Lad Initiative (mentioned in the book, now called Beyond Equality):

Ben Hurst • TEDxLondonWomen • “Boys won’t be boys. Boys will be what we teach them to be”:

https://www.ted.com/talks/ben_hurst_boys_won_t_be_boys_boys_will_be_what_we_teach_them_to_be?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare